


Undone

by ShinySherlock ficlets (ShinySherlock)



Series: assorted tumblr ficlets [44]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e01 The Empty Hearse, M/M, Mycroft is the baker, POV First Person, Sibling Rivalry, sherlock POV, tori amos - freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 19:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1790572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinySherlock/pseuds/ShinySherlock%20ficlets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I write this knowing I shall never send it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undone

**Author's Note:**

> misa-nthropy requested “Baker Baker by Tori Amos Johnlock pretty please! :)” and so here is some Sherlock POV angst for you, with thank yous to my lovely fic faeries, Jude and Armada. Song is heartbreaking and [here](http://youtu.be/DlWekXwPO1o) if you don’t know it already.

I write this knowing I shall never send it. And, that I’ll never have to. You’ll know it—knew it—with one look, brother. But here, with these unprinted, unsent words, I can confess it.

I envy you.

I envy that you saw what I didn’t see, what I can never seem to see, what I’ve tried so hard and failed, utterly, to become immune to.

I was so certain. I would present myself, give him a shock, yes, but then we’d be together; I thought we’d be the same, better, stronger. More. I thought we’d be flying, running across rooftops.

I know what you’ll say. I abandoned him—what did I expect? I shut him out at every turn, pushed him away …

And I did more than leave him; I ran. In more ways than one. I know that, now. Seeing him at the table, the new lines on his face, the mustache like a mask, the hunch of his shoulders.

My doing. The evidence of my deceit and cruelty and cowardice written on his body.

And in that moment, I had never hated myself more, never felt more sharply the sting Moriarty inflicted upon us.

Yes, us. All those days, I saw it in his eyes, his words, the cups of tea and the steady hand. And, yes, you’ll be happy to point out, it alarmed me. Terrified me. So I ignored it. Rebuffed it. Used it, even, when it suited me. But it was there. It was true.

His actions tonight, his uncontainable anger; is it his turn to push me away? Or is it proof? Proof that he … that I matter. That there must be something here between us, still. His hands on me, his twisting face, his accusing eyes. It must mean something.

Because I felt it, I could see it; the hurt in his eyes was the only thing that gave me hope at all, any belief that I hadn’t imagined what I had seen in his heart, what it’s made of, what it forced me to realise about the content of my own.

In this transitory space I can tell you: I don’t know what to do. He and I may as well be on different shores, as he has definitely, as you tried to tell me, moved on with his life. And why wouldn’t he? you ask. Why wouldn’t he? He didn’t know. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him anything.

I need to fix this.

Though you are ready enough to dispense advice, I won’t seek it from you. You may see and assess emotion more readily than I, but I’ve yet to see you value it as anything but leverage. You build layer upon layer between yourself and others and I can see your “concern” written in the air around you, more tangible than these words will ever be. _Forget him. Move on. You were careless in constructing your heart and these are the consequences. Best use stronger stuff next time round._

And yet that is the path which led me here.

No, brother. You needn’t counsel me at all. He’ll come back. He’ll recognise, eventually, the missing half of his heart restored. I don’t need you to make us whole again.

He’ll come back to me and it will all be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments always appreciated. <3  
> (And if you're looking for more to read, I made a [fic index](http://shinysherlock.tumblr.com/post/105509221665) of my stuff by category which I hope is helpful.)


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